If you've ever managed even one person, you've heard this phrase. It might be about a schedule, or a bonus structure, or - like in this week's video - the way your organization runs performance reviews. The phrase? "That's not fair."

In this week's video, you'll see a roleplay where I'm a manager, and a team member told me they don't think it's fair that we run reviews on a single annual cycle instead of on each person's hire-date anniversary. You may have had this conversation yourself - whether as a manager or even from the team member's perspective - and you may have had a manager that might have made you never want to bring them a concern ever again.

To help you from being that manager, here's what I wish someone had told me when I first started managing.

The Pause-Consider-Act framework

When you hear "that's not fair," resist the urge to respond immediately. Almost every "don't" version of this conversation comes from the manager reacting too fast. Try this instead:

Pause. Take a breath - even for a second. Your employee just told you they think something isn't right, and how you respond in the next 30 seconds is going to teach them whether and how they bring you their thoughts ever again.

Consider. Before you respond, ask yourself three quick questions:

1) What's the actual concern under the words? "That's not fair" is usually about something specific - it might be money, recognition or feeling overlooked.

2) Do I actually know the full context behind the decision they're questioning? If you don't, you don't need to pretend you do. ("Let me find out and get back to you" is a completely reasonable answer.)

3) Is this a moment to defend the policy, or a moment to coach the person? Often it's both, but the order matters. Coaching lands better when the person feels heard first.

Act. Now you can respond - with context, not defensiveness. Acknowledge what they said. Share what you know about why the decision exists. And if there's a coaching moment hiding inside the complaint (and there almost always is), use it.

That last piece is the part that's common for managers to skip. When someone tells you something isn't fair, you have a small window to help them see how to raise concerns more effectively next time - to you, your boss's boss, to a future employer, to anyone whose buy-in they need for the things they actually want. Saying "that's not fair" and getting frustrated almost never gets people the raise, promotion or change they're looking for. Instead, asking the same thing as a question - "help me understand why we do it this way" - almost always gets them further. That reframe is one of the most useful things you can teach a direct report.

The "give more context" checklist

Most managers I work with already know they should give more context. But the problem is that in the moment, they forget what context actually consists of. Here's the checklist I use:

☐ The "why" behind the process or decision. Not "because that's the policy" - the actual business or operational reason it exists. (Example from the roleplay: running reviews on one cycle means we're not constantly chasing reviews year-round.)

☐ The trade-offs that were considered. Every policy has a flip side. Talking about it shows you're not just defending the company line.

☐ What the employee actually gets out of the current system. This is often skipped, but also really important. In the roleplay, the employee who'd been there longer would have more history going into the review - and proportionally, a bigger potential raise than someone hired six months in. That's not a small detail. That's the thing that turns "this isn't fair" into "hmm - I hadn't thought about it that way."

☐ What's outside your control vs. what you can influence. Be honest about both. If something genuinely doesn't make sense and enough people raise it, things could potentially change. But if that's unlikely to happen, your employee deserves to know your expectations and guidance.

☐ The coaching layer. How can they bring this up - to you, to their next manager, to anyone - in a way that gets them closer to their goals instead of further from them?

☐ The reminder that this conversation is welcome. It's a lot easier to roll your eyes and vent to other managers about how the questions can just feel like too much. But remember that the fact that they came to you is a good sign. Tell them so.

Why it matters

Your job as a manager isn't to make every policy popular. You may not even agree with every policy. But a key part of your job is to help your people understand the world they're operating in well enough to navigate it - and ideally, influence the parts that genuinely need changing.

When you give context, you're not just defending the organization. You're giving your team the information they need to make smart decisions about their own careers. That's the difference between a manager people tolerate and one they trust.

And when it comes down to it, trust is the only thing that makes the rest of the job possible.

Want every manager in your organization handling tough conversations this well — without you stepping in to coach each one? That's what Manager Method does for HR leaders who are tired of being the bottleneck. → Set up a call

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